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Gordon Lawrie

Car Crash

27/4/2015

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This was written for as a piece of 500-word flash fiction, and it's actually 500 words long. However it's probably more of a one-act play than a short story.

– Hello?
– Hi, it’s me.
– Oh, hi, how are you? How are you doing?
– Well, I’m sitting up here. Both legs broken, an arm and a couple of ribs. I’m able to phone you at least with the one remaining arm.
– How long do you think you’ll be kept in for?
– Four or five days, depending...
– It’s good to hear your voice at least.
– It was the least I could do in the circumstances... they say you saved my life.

– That might be putting it a bit strongly.
– The witnesses said you pulled me from the car just before the petrol tank exploded... you came back for me, they said. I don’t remember much about it myself.
– I can understand that. Actually, I wasn’t far away.

– Other side of the street. Anyway, far enough... thank you.
– Really, it was nothing. Anyone would have done the same.
– Would they? In the circumstances?
– Of course. You would, I’m sure.
– I wouldn’t have had the strength to get you out.

– You know what I mean. Anyway, it was nothing.
– I’m trying to thank you. Thanks to your bravery, I’m still alive. Why can’t you just accept that?
– I’m just saying I’m not that brave.
– For goodness’ sake, just accept it! Here we go again.
– Please don’t get angry. It can’t be good for you.
– Don’t treat me like that.
– What?
– Like I was a child.
– I’m sure this isn’t helping. You’re supposed to be resting.
– And whose fault is that?
– Mine, I accept that. It was before. It’s all my fault.
– No it’s NOT all your fault.
– Sorry, I thought you said it was.
– Look, I’m finding it difficult here...
– Perhaps...
– Simon... couldn’t we just?
– This isn’t the moment, Louise.
– Simon, why are you being like this? Can’t we talk, at least?
– Would it do any good? Talking? That’s what we were doing, wasn’t it?
– I thought we were having a conversation. Then you just got out.
– I felt it was over.
– But I was still talking as you got out.
– I wasn’t talking about the conversation.
– So YOU decided you’d had enough, and YOU decided you’d just get out –
– Louise, please don’t get angry again, this is where we –
– Please don’t patronise me, Simon. In the circumstances, I had every right to be angry.
– Probably. But please try to rest now. Being angry won’t help you get better.
– Do you accept I was right to be angry? When you told me you were leaving?
– Probably, but –
– But what?
– Louise, I’m not the reason you’re where you’re in hospital. I wasn’t in the car.
– Of course not. It was nothing to do with you at all, despite the fact you’d just said you were leaving. I drove off. I should have been looking. Seen the lorry. You’ve been desperate to say that all along, haven’t you?
– No I haven’t, Louise.
– You’re probably regretting pulling me out of the car, aren’t you?

– That’s not true, Louise.
– I don’t believe you.
– Louise... Louise...?

(Phone goes dead.)

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Chess Game

17/4/2015

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It's funny how you get used to things.

My chess-playing buddy must look odd to a stranger – he seems to like wearing a hooded cape, be it summer or winter, and I rarely see much of his face. I've somehow grown accustomed to his sartorial taste. I think he might be Spanish. He has a Spanish name, Angel Mortis, and his favourite opening is the Ruy Lopez, although he plays others as well. He only ever wants to play straight after work – he says he's a farmhand who cuts hayfields the old-fashioned way, with a scythe. He says hand-cutting's more eco-friendly. I make him put his scythe down in the corner.

We have this routine, he and I. We play every day, alternately black then white, and so far I've won every single game. I get the impression that he sometimes lets me win, though I can't think why. Some of our games are short, but most last long into the night. At the end of each game he simply nods, offers his hand for me to shake, congratulates me, and arranges to meet the next day, ‘same as before’. Then he picks up his scythe and it's the last I see of him before the pieces are set up again twenty-four hours later.

To begin with our games were simple affairs. Angel barely seemed to understand the moves and if the truth be told I probably wasn't a whole lot better, but the more we played the more our mutual understanding of the game, and of each other, developed. Chess demands that you respect your opponent, although not so much that you miss your chance to defeat him. Openings can be learned, but over the years Angel has led me into ever more complex middle games, and frequently I’m rescued only by my skill in avoiding hazardous endgames. That can't go on for ever, though.

One day that middle game will lead to an irresolvable endgame. One day for sure, Angel will trap me and suddenly I'll feel my unbeaten record sliding away. Angel likes to say that he only needs to win once against me and he'll feel that all of our games will have been worthwhile, and it can only be a matter of time before it happens. It's not that I'm getting much worse, although I've probably improved as much as I can, it's just that his standard keeps rising. But we have an arrangement – he's promised to give me a demonstration of his scythe technique when he's finally won.

Today he had the black pieces, played a Catalan Defence and lost again; he gave me that familiar quiet smile as he resigned. Tomorrow, though, he'll be back with white and – almost certainly – his favoured Lopez again, so I'll have to be on my guard once again. All the more so when he said as left, ‘See you tomorrow, same as before,’ then added, ‘Somehow, I feel tomorrow will be my lucky day.’

Perhaps it will.

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Christmas Circular Letter, 2014

12/12/2014

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The Old Village Gatehouse
City Road,
Markham-By-The-Sea
11th December, 2014
Dear

Well that's another year in – isn't it amazing how time passes so quickly? And so much seems to have happened in the last twelve months, too.

This year has seen Tony extremely busy at work, four big contracts, all successful – a middle-east businessman, a Mexican politician (there's so much work there at the moment), a Russian oligarch (the trickiest) and the wife of a Singapore doctor who wanted to set up with someone twenty years younger. Tony prides himself on his work, but was thrilled to receive the Guardian International Hit-Man Of The Year award in October.

Jennifer's business continues to go from strength to strength. She now has a staff of eleven, most of whom are from eastern Europe, and she her services are developing a fine reputation across the city. One new innovation is the serving of scrambled eggs, topped either with crispy bacon or smoked salmon, after what she rather old-fashionedly terms "the main course". Well, it makes a nice change from a pizza delivery. Relations with the authorities have been rocky at times this year – she received a Police Caution in February and narrowly avoided a more serious charge in August only because very conveniently all the prosecution evidence vanished from the police store mysteriously. However, Jennifer's new "Discount Loyalty Card" system has proved popular within the local constabulary and goodwill has been restored.

In the meantime, Tony and Jennifer have been very busy with their new conservatory, and now they enjoy their breakfast there every morning. Jennifer has also been very busy redesigning the front garden, which now features a rockery with a wide range of alpine plants, while both Tony and Jennifer have been consolidating last year's work on the back garden by spending many happy evenings drinking red wine into the sunset!

Timmy's rock band has just released its fourth single, a number called Smash Your Face Into The Wall. They've had some internal difficulties this year – the bass player wanted to kick Timmy out, claiming that his only contribution to the band was to sing, which he did out of tune – but it was nothing that couldn't be sorted with a flick-knife. As an experiment, Timmy himself is now playing bass until the bass player recovers.

Leigh-Ann celebrated her sixteenth birthday in April along with her two sons; Jennifer and she have come to an excellent arrangement where Jennifer looks after Zoot and Boot while Leigh-Ann earns some money working in Jennifer's family business.

Daniel turned twenty-one this year, which was a cause for great celebration. Daniel is really developing an ability with money – his twenty-pound note is quite indistinguishable from the real thing but all of his work is of a high standard. This year it's allowed the family to pay all of its employees out of our own produce as well as allowing Tony and Jennifer the odd fun night out at the casino. Speaking of which, there was a nasty incident at the casino in June where we caught the croupier cheating. The police seemed to think Tony might have had something to do with his appearance face-down in the local river two days later, so for a few days John Clark, our solicitor, had to threaten to sue them for defamation.

Jennifer has a new car, a Vauxhall Astra in red, her favourite colour of course. She particularly likes the two front seats, each of which have heating elements, always very welcome in the winter. She uses it a lot when she goes to walk the dogs either by the sea-shore or in the woods. Sadly, we had a misfortune in March when our two Staffordshire bull terriers, Pontius and Herod, chased after and mauled a six-year-old child to death. The court insisted that we have them put down, which seemed to us very unfair – after all, they'll have been seriously provoked by the little boy. After all, everyone knows what little boys are like at that age, don't they? Anyway, a friend of ours managed to get hold of a couple of replacements, Japanese Tosa dogs which are actually banned but we just tell the neighbours that they're some sort of cross-breed. We've learned not to mind what the neighbours think, and to tell the truth they're not very sociable – we get the feeling sometimes that they'd rather avoid us. Their loss.

This year we had four lovely holidays: Argentina in February, Thailand in May, Russia in October and Afghanistan in November. The Russian and Afghan trips gave us plenty of opportunities to pick up some lovely potplants and jewellery which we were able to fly back, which many of you can look forward receiving when Santa comes down the chimney! And of course there's our country cottage near Balmoral which gives us so much pleasure.

Not all of our family news has been good, however. Tony's brother Alex sadly passed away in April when he stepped into the path of very heavy steamroller near his farm – it was very messy, and when Tony went to identify the body it took him more than five minutes to walk all the way round. Then, just two months later Jennifer's aunt was shot and killed while carrying out an armed raid on a bank in a nearby town. Not a bad way to go out at eighty-seven, though! We've had all the usual coughs and sneezes of course, but we continue to enjoy good health generally.

Finally, if you happen to be reading this, we should let you know that all of our Christmas cards this year were actually posted, along with this letter, by John Clark, that excellent solicitor we mentioned earlier. After receiving last year's great wad of inane, pointless Christmas circular letters, Tony and Jennifer decided that if they received equal or greater numbers in 2014, they would put their suicide pact into operation. As a result we're sorry to inform you that on the 4th December, we retired to the garage where Tony lovingly blew Jennifer's brains out with the family shotgun, then turned the gun on himself. This will therefore be the last Christmas card and letter you'll receive from us, and you can look forward to saving a stamp next year.

Wishing you all a very merry Christmas, and all the best for 2015!

Love



Jennifer and Tony

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Battle Of The Sexes

31/10/2014

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150 words this time...

She was probably eighty or thereabouts, but that night she'd had a skinful. Staggering out of the bar, she bumped into a tall man in a dark uniform, almost knocking him over.

"Aren't you gonna apologise?" she demanded.

"Sorry, although I think it's you who should apologise, madam."

"Why?"

"I think you're drunk."

"I think you're overreacting," the lady said. Then she added, "What do you know anyway?"

"I think you're an elderly lady who's forgotten her manners."

"I think you're a typical male having a mid-life crisis. 33% of all men admit it. Why don't you make it 34%?" she slurred.

"I think you should be quiet now," he said.

"You're not the male authority figure here. Learn your place."

That did it. He arrested her for breach of the peace and she spent the night in custody. She was fined fifty pounds and warned to behave in future.

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Can I Have My Money Back?

28/10/2014

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In 2017, a previously-unknown retired teacher called William "Bill" Adbury changed the course of journalism worldwide when he bought a copy of the "Alloa Evening Gazette". Bill's attention had been drawn to a headline which suggested that every house in his own street was to be razed to make way for a Tesco hypermarket.

The report was pure fiction.

Two days later, Bill returned to his newsagent and demanded his money back under the Sale of Goods Act which insists that all items purchased must truthfully do what they claim. When the newsagent was unwise enough to refuse to refund Bill's money, Bill engaged a solicitor to pursue a case in the courts – against the newsagent, the newspaper itself and even the reporter personally.

The newsagent and reporter settled quickly. But the newspaper proprietors, afraid of creating a precedent, fought Bill and lost, costing them just £100.00 in damages but enormous sum in legal fees. They appealed, and when that appeal failed, appealed to a higher court still. Other readers and civil rights groups funded Bill's legal costs until seven years later the case finally came to a standstill when the newspaper declared itself bankrupt. The newspaper survived only because ownership passed by agreement into Bill's hands.

On 31st March 2014, Bill Adbury attended the editorial meeting for his new newspaper's launch the following day. Determined to set new standards in journalism from the outset, he instructed that his new acquisition's first headline should read "Scientists Prove Earth Is Flat."
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