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Gordon Lawrie

Sally Tompkins And The Daily Scum

27/8/2016

 
Sally Tompkins discovered about the vagaries of journalism the hard way. For years, the Daily Scum had encouraged her to write tastelessly offensive copy that stupid readers would pay equally stupid money to read. Recently, she’d outraged everyone by conducting an Twitter survey inviting readers to nominate ‘people fat enough to cause earthquakes’.
 
Next day, her editor announced that her column would cease henceforth.
 
“What’ll I do for a job?” Tompkins wailed.
 
“Oh, don’t worry, Sally. We’re conducting a readers’ poll – they can choose how we kill you.”
 
Ten days later, Tompkins was slowly disembowelled live online. Readers loved it.


If this means nothing to you, here's a link to 'Katie Hopkins':

http://www.express.co.uk/news/uk/703759/Police-report-Katie-Hopkins-Twitter-over-her-poll-about-Camber-Sands-deaths

Council Of War On Proxima Centauri B

26/8/2016

 
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It's somewhere in that red circle (pic: Wikipedia)
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In the week that astronomers discovered an obscure planet that might support life...

The toilet roll, the lightbulb, the bottle, and the sock each sat motionless facing their commanding pencil, Djium.

“Here we go again,” the latter sighed. He signalled to the bottle. “Report, please Boanz.”

“It’s life, Djium, but not as we know it. They’re pink and brown blobs of blubber with calcium inserts.” Everyone laughed uproariously. “But they’re just like all the rest. They think they’ve just discovered new life here.”

“And they must be dealt with! We rule the universe!” chorused everyone. “Exterminate!”

And so it came to pass: the Earth was obliterated by a giant golf ball. Titleist 3.

Doesnotexistentialism

21/8/2016

 
His new discovery caused Eric-Gordon Sârtre to breathe heavily: this, then, was doesnotexistentialism. He defined it thus: that which has value only when it cannot be seen; the verbal equivalent of anti-matter.
 
New questions now arose. Could verbal anti-matter created by the Large LinkedIn Collider be stored? Could its mass be calculated? Could visible versions be created?
 
Excitedly, he fed sentences into his laptop, followed by some previously-memorised verbal anti-sentences. The result was astounding. Sentence and anti-sentence collided with devastating power, the laptop exploded and the great man himself vaporised.
 
Accordingly, the concept of doesnotexistentialism remains undiscovered to this day.

Olympic Gold

19/8/2016

 
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More from the Olympics.

The stadium noise was deafening. Marching towards the podium, he reflected on the path that his life had taken, how it had come to this. He grasped his flag proudly, waving at the distant faces in the crowd.
 
First, the bronze medallist stepped up, received his medal and flowers, then the silver medallist. Finally, it was his turn, highest of all, top of the world, gold medal. He waved all around.
 
As the anthem played, he wondered if he’d ever had a choice. No matter, he would enjoy the moment. The result of the drugs test wouldn’t show until tomorrow.


Olympic Hero

12/8/2016

 
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Beth’s Olympic hexathlon medal chances hung in the balance. Four disciplines had gone well: hoovering, cooking, clothes-washing, a PB in bed-making. Ironing, though, was her weakness. The Russians could iron shirts in four minutes – doping rumours were rife. She’d need a sensational performance to stay in touch.
 
Seven disastrous minutes later, she was in tears. Trouble with collars had relegated her to seventh place overall. Her faint hopes now depended on an outstanding school run.
 
Beth woke up sweating: her alarm read 5.15 a.m.. Turning over, she tried to sleep, knowing it would all start again in just 90 minutes.


Old Friends

5/8/2016

 
I remember well... your mum Kathy and me, we decided to hitch-hike across the States... we didn’t have much back then but we laughed... we were happy and in love.
 
We only had enough to buy cigarettes, and great pies from a shop called Wagners... still remember them... hitch-hiking was hard, though... took days to get from Saginaw to Pittsburg... had to take Greyhound for the last part... we tried guessing what the other passengers did... somebody was a spy...
 
The other thing was all the cars on the Turnpike, even then... nothing changes...
 
If only Kathy were still around...

At Ikea

5/8/2016

 
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Picture: IKEA
After weeks of precise planning and casing the joint, they were ready. Each aged 91, nobody would suspect them.
 
After making their way rapidly to their target, they filled their pockets with free pencils and measuring tapes. Then greed got the better of them. Heading for the exit, Annika saw a Knippe,  couldn’t resist the temptation, and insisted Henrik smuggled it out. They moved unchallenged through the checkout and outside into the evening air – they had made it!
 
Suddenly from behind, came a voice: the security guard.
 
“Excuse me, sir, why is there a coat-stand sticking out of your coat?”

    Flash Fiction

    Flash fiction is very, very short fiction indeed - short stories of any sort of length from a Haiku to ten minutes' reading. Good for when you're in a hurry. This series is a selection of contributions to Friday Flash Fiction, where there's a limit of 100 words. I try to make all mine exactly 100 words.


    Collections
    (FREE!)
    Click on image

    If you enjoy these stories, why not download Gordon's first two collections of these, called '100 Not Out' and '200 Not Out'? Available for all types of e-readers including Kindle and iPad, for free. Completely free, no strings.

    Click on one of the images below...

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