Blog Archives

First Visit From The Health Visitor

22/12/2017

Hi, I'm your Mrs Liddle, your health visitor. I've come to visit baby.

Is he well? Oh, good. Now you really mustn't wrap baby too tightly, you know, babies need to move their arms and legs.

Is he sleeping well? Yes, of course you do get pestered a lot with visitors all wanting to see baby, but I'm the important one, remember. My, you've had three kings and three shepherds already? Really? Well, if you say so...

Now, mum and dad, about these gold diving helmets you all wear. Baby's head isn't strong enough to support something like that yet...

'Twas Christmas Morning

15/12/2017

'Twas Christmas morning. Under the Christmas tree, among the wrapped presents, sat an ugly troll.

"Who's that trip-tropping around my tree?"

"Mummy! Daddy!" the children screamed. "There's an ugly troll there!"

"Nonsense, dears," Mummy said. "It won't harm you. The troll's probably more afraid of you than you are of it."

"We're not going near that... thing!"

"Children! No anti-trollism at Christmas. No troll, no presents."

The troll growled. Terrified, the children fled, cowering in their bedrooms all day.

Putting the empty gift-boxes away, the parents handed the troll fifty pounds.

"Good job, troll. Same time, same place, next year?"

In Search Of The Perfect Candidate

8/12/2017

For the 2020 Presidential Election, Republicans and Democrats alike sought a candidate with an experienced well-oiled support organisation. The candidate should promise the earth, even if nobody actually expected politicians to fulfil those promises.

Eventually, a clear leader emerged. He was perfect – a man with an avuncular, Reagan-like smile, a man who ignored promises, whom most didn't even believe existed. A man who coined the brilliant election slogan:

"Ask not what you want, ask whether you deserve what you want."

Both parties courted him, but he chose to stand as a Republican. The colour of his coat swung it.

Bethlehem, Pennsylvania

1/12/2017

They hit Trump Bethlehem late at night. Joe and Mary make their way to Reception. Guy behind the desk tries to pay no attention but eventually gives in.

"Whaddayawant?" he sneers.

Joe's explains quietly that they've a room reserved, Mary's expectin' any time soon. Receptionist looks 'em up and down.

"You Mooslums? You gotta beard. We don't let no Mooslums in here. Boss says so."

"Honest, we're not religious," Joe says, wondering why it matters.

"You gotta beard. Must be a Mooslum. Can't stay here with a beard."

They end up sleeping in the car park. Mary loses the baby.

First Visit From The Health Visitor

'Twas Christmas Morning

In Search Of The Perfect Candidate

Bethlehem, Pennsylvania

Flash Fiction

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