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Application For Post With Amazon

27/12/2014

WHAT SPECIAL APTITUDES, EXPERIENCE AND QUALIFICATIONS MAKE YOU SUITED TO THIS POSITION?

I have many years' experience in worldwide retail deliveries and distribution, mainly self-employed. I can maintain inventories, and match customer demand request forms accurately, even in quite high volume situations. I am used to working under pressure and am prepared to continue doing so, including undertaking night shift work where necessary. I have considerable experience of managing a transport fleet.

I have a Level 5 qualification in Reindeer Care.

WHAT SPECIAL REQUIREMENTS MIGHT YOU HAVE FROM US?

Pension scheme.

OTHER RELEVANT INFORMATION

Currently laid off until December 2015.

Deer, Deer

24/12/2014

Reindeer, of course, are the only species of deer where both male and females have antlers. This can sometimes make life tricky after the rutting season.

One Christmas Eve, Santa's reindeer had been unusually boistrous and when he came out to hitch them to the sleigh, he found them all tangled up in a huge heap. He panicked: how to deliver the presents?

Fortunately, one of the elves had become an expert with an old surplus Rubik's Cube. The deer went spinning and flying a few times, but eventually they were separated. The presents were delivered, as usual, on time.

The Hour Of The Angels

23/12/2014

Why does nobody understand the power – literally – of Christmas tree lights?

When strings of lights hang around the tree and they're left on for any length of time, magnetic fields build up around the entire circuit. It might not seem much, but over the hours that little trickle is enough to bring life to those dormant angels hanging on the tree alongside them.

The angels on the tree are ready, believe me. They'll move in the dead of night, sliding silently from room to room until they find their prey.

Did you switch the lights off? Are you sleeping comfortably?

Traditional Christmas Theatre

22/12/2014

Did you see me mummydaddy? Did you see me mummydaddy? I was in the play. My teacher said it was not a titty play and I was third donkey so I didn't get to say anything but I got to sing away in a manger and the baby Jesus was Shirley's doll so Shirley got to be Jesusis mummy and there were kings and shepherds except there were only two kings because Gertrude forgot to come on and the sheep got mixed up with the camels and we all sang away in a manger and Tommy Maxwell wet the floor.

Internet Dating At Christmas

21/12/2014

It all seemed so promising to start with. We'd met through www.findmyperfectpartner.com and we seemed so suited, despite the fact that we lived thousands of miles apart.

Then, around Christmas, gifts started to appear, each arriving on successive days ordered from Amazon. At first it was just a series of birds – well, you can always eat them – apart from five bits of bling that came one day. But suddenly the gifts became bizarre: eight milkmaids, then some men and women seemingly on amphetamines.

Then, one morning, pipes and drums smashed out beneath my bedroom window. Our brief romance was over.

How To Make Great Apple Pie

19/12/2014

Determined to bake her husband an apple pie to die for, she consulted several recipes to discover that a good pie was an oxymoron: cold yet hot, sweet yet a little sour, moist yet crisp.

Fortunately, that very day she'd purchased a state-of-the-art Cuisinart PZ7X-L food-processor and was ready for anything.

Assembly was easy. She cast apples, sugar, lemon juice, butter, flour and some water into the food-processor, then froze them in a pie-dish before baking it at 400˚F for thirty minutes.

The pie worked: her loved one broke a tooth on some frozen apple then died of food poisoning.

Christmas Mark II

18/12/2014

Abandoned long ago by judgemental friends and family, a heavily-pregnant young woman arrived one night in a little village. Those few passers-by who noticed her wandering around assumed she was drunk. No-one offered help, far less accommodation.

She found shelter in a large overturned communal dustbin, and that night somehow gave birth to a baby girl. As the baby suckled, her mother said to her, "Cheer up, love, this is as good as it gets. Perhaps the next life's better."

They found out soon enough; a severe night-time freeze carried them both off. But they were together to the end.

Putting For Four

12/12/2014

Written for a LInkedIn writer who happens to be a golf fanatic.

Nearly eighty, Mike played golf daily. But golf brought torments: he simply couldn't putt, wrecking scores with frequent missed putts.

One morning he announced to everyone, "I'm terminally ill, boys. Cancer."

"That's terrible," his friends cried

"Don't worry," Mike said, "I've got years left yet. Apparently I'll die of something else first."

Just then, he tapped in a short putt. "That's a – "

"FORE!" The shout from behind was too late – Mike was killed instantly.

The funeral was well-attended. At Mike's request, his ashes were buried in a hole on the 18th green. They missed trying to pour them in.

Traitors

5/12/2014

During and after World War Two, Britain's Secret Intelligence Service MI6 was infiltrated by Soviet double agents. Four were eventually identified: Burgess (codename "Hicks"), Maclean ("Homer"), Philby ("Stanley") and Blunt ("Johnson"), but rumours continued regarding the final member of the infamous "Cambridge Five". The recent movie "The Imitation Game" suggested John Cairncross, without foundation.

We can now exclusively reveal the fifth spy. Sir Nicholas de Lapland was ideal: a bearded, unremarkable older man moving quietly in society. The perfect spy is seen but ignored.

Perhaps the colour of codename "Santa's" unusual cape should have indicated his likely political leanings, however.

Forest Halt

5/12/2014

Jack knew the line well. Running along the hillside, it cut through a heavily-forested area, clearing briefly to give a stunning view of the valley.

One night as the train passed the clearing, Jack thought he spotted a disused station, Forest Halt, on the opposite side from the view. He wasn't sure, though, it just flashed past.

At the depot, Jack asked about Forest Halt, but no-one had ever noticed it.

Next evening, when Jack's train was on the line again, an ill-timed landslide carried all three coaches down the steep embankment. No-one survived. Forest Halt was never seen again.

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